When you try to fix your soul

“What is it with you and Hutts?”

“I spent too much time with them to ever like them. And that’s all you need to know.”

Anakin regretted it as soon as he said it. He’d made it sound more as if he had some wild, dark past, and nothing was better guaranteed to keep Ahsoka asking questions than that. If he explained he’d been a Hutt’s slave, she’d dig away at it until all the bad stuff came out.

It was hard enough telling Padmé, and she was his wife.

Wife.

It was such a serious and wonderful word.

It shouldn’t have been a guilty secret. Anakin wondered what would happen if he told Yoda straight out that he had a wife, that he didn’t agree with all the arbitrary Jedi rules on avoiding love and attachment, and ask him—respectfully—what he was going to do about it.

He’d have to tell Kenobi first, though. And that was going to be much harder, because he heard that Kenobi had faced the same choice as Anakin, but had walked away from the love of his life, and done things strictly by the Jedi book.

How can that be right? How can that make us better Jedi?

No. Anakin would say nothing.

He weighed the corrosive effect of keeping secrets from his old Master against the storm that would be unleashed if he confessed to his marriage.

I have a war to fight. And Padmé is nobody’s business but mine.

~

This quote is a gem.

So much Anakin in it, so many words left unsaid.

Creeps leading to the collapse.

But why, you may ask, pairing it with Anakin's lightsaber?

For people who use to fix things, not having everything under control is hard.

Build, break, repair. And start again.

All predictable, known.

But attachments, emotions, relationships.

People.

They are beyond oneself ability to affect them.

Change them.

And this is destabilizing.

And terrifying.

~

“Life seems so much simpler when you’re fixing things. I’m good at fixing things. I always was.”

~

[Photo: I love this saber pin series, by @projectlunarock]

Lesser Evil

Time to thank my IG followers for the support and the love.

Truly, a Thrawnsgiving!

Today, I will giveaway a **signed** copy of "LesserEvil", the extraordinary conclusion of the Ascendancy trilogy. Mr. Zahn deserves all the most wonderful things in life, so I decided to support him a little, and I bought a few copies to gift around, today and in the future.

Check my IG for details!

[Link on the menu on the right]

Thrawnsgiving

Eli had dared to see his commander as almost a friend.

What he didn’t know—what he’d never known—was how Thrawn saw him.

Did Thrawn have friends? Eli or anyone else? Had he had friends when he was growing up in the Chiss Ascendancy, or had he always been different, the oddness of his mind leaving his young peers bewildered or resentful?

~

It is said that one should keep one’s allies within view, and one’s enemies within reach. [] But what of friends?

There is no accepted answer, perhaps because true friendship is so exceedingly rare. But I have formulated my own.

A friend need not be kept either within sight or within reach. A friend must be allowed the freedom to find and follow his own path.

If one is fortunate, those paths will for a time join. But if the paths separate, it is comforting to know that a friend still graces the universe with his skills, and his viewpoint, and his presence.

For if one is remembered by a friend, one is never truly gone.

~

Time for reflection and acknowledgment.

Time for understanding a year of emotional suspension and changes.

Time for being grateful for all the love I received and still receiving.

Time for celebrating my precious found family.

In a way, indeed.

Thrawnsgiving.

~

"You see in him a shiny new piece the Stybla can add to the political board," he said, looking back at Lappincyk. "But that's all you see."

"And you think the Mitth see more?"

"I don't know what the Mitth see," Thrass said. "All I know is what I see."

"Which is?"

Thrass took a deep breath. The young, socially awkward caded fascinated by artwork. The unique ability to understand that artwork, while beneath the intellect was the quiet pain of a hidden loss. [] What exactly *did* he see in Thrawn?

"What I see," he said, "is a friend. My friend."

~

"He'll be traveling aboard the Parala; I'll let you know his departure time in case you wish to see him off."

"Thank you. I would." Ar'alani looked at Thrawn as she stoop up. "I'll say my goodbyes then, Thrawn. Don't you dare leave before I get that chance."

"I won't," Thrawn promised, "That's not what friends do."

~

[Photo: Eli and Ar'alani pops by @cardinal.creates]

Wild Space Cowboy

Patterns and complexity, righteousness, and compassion are keys to the heart of this Wild Space cowboy.

Eli Vanto is not a man easy to define.

While overlooked by not attentive minds, he reveals an intense and rare soul, an exotic twist, and the most profound sweetness.

Today @thenerfherderco on IG releases her "Wild Space Cowboy" fragrance, inspired by "our" golden boy, Eli N. Vanto.

Exotic saffron, cozy vanilla, and sexy tobacco for a mix of everything that's good and rough and honest.

A fun ride for @kotoroa and me.

And, hopefully, for everyone who loves this precious human.

[I honestly don't know how Melissa manages to not be terrified at every release, because I am.]

[Photo: in-universe. During a forced check-and-repair week for the ISD Chimaera on Spira, the bridge crew opted for a short-term leave, after almost nine consecutive months chasing pirates. When Agral proposed Spira, a tropical planet known for its golden beaches, Pyrodi emitted a fainted ultrasound for approval, Hammerly looked intensively at Faro, while Thrawn, failing miserably to read his crew excitement, knowing Spira just for their advanced and upgraded Imperial Spaceport in orbit, was quickly informed by Vanto. "It's a vacation spot, Sir. Great cocktails, fish night markets, and famous pop-music boybands". "Ah," was the monotone reply. Faro, looking amused, nodded to Agral, the docking details established. During a wild night out, maybe after too many rounds of "T-16 Skyhoppers", the conversation verted on the utterly undeniable fact that, if they had to pick a bridge crew member for being in a boyband, the spot was totally Eli's. From there, the escalating decision of having a set of heart-shaped pins made in a local "S-pop idols store" was quick and unanimous. Eli tried to protest for all the good 15 minutes that took to the set to be made, giving up just when Hammerly handed a special and different pin for him. You can guess who was on that one.]

[Photo: this universe. The adorable pin is design and made by @cherriielle, while the Chimaera bridge t-shirt, my design, is sold on Teepublic - link on the side menu]

My only father

"When she thought of her father, she thought only of Bail Organa. He had been her father in spirit, and surely that was more important than anything else."

~

“I stand before you not only as a senator, but also as Bail Organa’s daughter.” [...] “It was my privilege to know him as both a leader and a father. As proud as I am to think of his courageous stand against Palpatine’s tyranny, I also smile every time I remember how he used to get down on the floor to play blocks with his little girl. [...] He taught me so much about politics, leadership, and war, but above all he taught me that no price is too great to pay for our ideals. Bail Organa was willing to die if that meant the Empire would fall. He believed in the New Republic we have been able to create, and in the promise of fair, equal government for everyone under the law. [...] My father gave us one legacy more precious than any other—a galactic peace. All of us here today have inherited the responsibility to preserve that peace from this day forward. Only by doing so can we truly honor and remember him.”

~

“I hope to have told you all this myself,” Bail Organa’s voice said. “I hope we have enjoyed many more happy years as a family, that we have seen the Empire fall, and that we have gone forth together to find General Kenobi and your brother. If so, this recording can serve only one purpose. You must be listening after my death, so let this be my chance to say once again how much I love you. No other daughter could ever have brought me more joy.” Tears welled in Leia’s eyes, but she fought them back. If she began to sob, she wouldn’t be able to hear her father’s voice any longer. He concluded, “Please know that my love for you, and your mother’s love, endures long past our deaths. We are forever with you, Leia. In your brightest triumphs and your darkest troubles, always know that we are by your side.”

~

I wanted to post these quotes for months, as a specular parallel of my caption about Vader and Leia (July 5th).

Finally, with a little time for myself, I could share them.

A hymn of found parents and adopted families.

Perfect for this week of love and closeness.

I do it for them

“How did it end?” Del asked.

“They all got shot.”

Rex wanted this moment to be over.

It was—as usual—on the cusp of hilarity and sobbing despair. For all his training and his loyalty to the state, all the theoretical reasons why he was doing what was right, the only thing that made him sit and wait for the inevitable was that he was doing it for the men next to him, and for Skywalker—wherever he was—and even for Kenobi, but for nothing and nobody else.

That was as far as any man could think. And it was far enough.

~

I love SW books so much.

Legends or not, each one of them adds layers and feelings and deeper understanding.

And when you think that Rex cannot be better than whom you saw in the tv series, there.

You find a new passage, a new quote, a new emotional place to be.

[Photo: stunning keychain by @afanofshop, one of the most creative small shops around. In the background, the incredible work of @lorna_ka, who illustrated "The Clone Wars: Stories of Light and Dark". It is brilliant when one of your favorite fanartists, ultimately becomes a canon artist. And her work is perfect. The quote above is from "The Clone Wars" by Karen Traviss]

New traditions

"Send danger from the east unto the west,

So honour cross it from the north to south,

And let them grapple: O, the blood more stirs

To rouse a lion than to start a hare!"

~

No spoilers here (obviously).

Quoting Uncle Willy when a new Thrawn book is out, might be my new favorite tradition.

And I hope to have one in the future.

I mean. A tradition.

We were blessed with three amazing books in a little more than one year. And the withdrawal from my found adorable Chiss family will be brutal.

I wish to have soon more tales. Small moments.

And, no.

For how much I love Ahsoka, the live-action will not count if Mr. Zahn is not allowed to place his seal of approval.

[#NoThrawnwithoutZahn]

We can just hope for a new project soon.

Maybe one involving our favorite Wild Space Cowboy.

On top of the emotional rollercoaster that is affecting me this week, I leave you with a tiny (and extremely sad) Sherlock parallel about sacrifice.

And love.

~

"I write these few lines through the courtesy of Mr. Moriarty, who awaits my convenience for the final discussion of those questions which lie between us. [] I am pleased to think that I shall be able to free society from any further effects of his presence, though I fear that it is at a cost which will give pain to my friends, and especially, my dear Watson, to you. I have already explained to you, however, that my career had in any case reached its crisis, and that no possible conclusion to it could be more congenial to me than this. [] I made every disposition of my property before leaving England, and handed it to my brother Mycroft. Pray give my greetings to Mrs. Watson, and believe me to be, my dear fellow,

Very sincerely yours,

Sherlock Holmes"

Please, talk

"Going somewhere, Master?"

Obi-Wan stopped in his tracks. Reclutantly, he turned around.

Anakin wore the exact smug smile Obi-Wan knew he would. But the smirk was balanced by the concern in his friend's eyes. []

"I presume Padmé told you about Duchess Satine's message to me?"

"Yes, and how the Jedi Council refused your request to help her."

Obi-Wan frowned. Just hearing the words brought up a disturbing flash of anger. He took a calming breath.

"It's not like you to disobey an order, Master."

"This is... different, Anakin."

"I understand. If it were Padmé in trouble..."

"That's not what I mean."

~

"Master Yoda feels that your judgments concerning Rush Clovis are clouded."

"Mm, I believe he can't be trusted."

"Yes, but there is more, isn't there? I sense a deep anger in you by my simply saying his name." []

"They had a relationship... once. I simply feel she is vulnerable to her emotions."

"She is... or you?"

"What are you implying?"

"Anakin, I understand to a degree what is going on. You've met Satine. You know I once harbored feelings for her. It's not that we're not allowed to have these feelings. It's natural."

"Senator Amidala and I are simply friends."

"And friends you must remain. As a Jedi, it is essential you make the right choice, Anakin, for the Order."

~

"Had you said the word, I would have left the Jedi Order."

~

I know.

I tricked you with Obitine IG stories and this gorgeous pin by @ritarussiandoll_pins (art by @p4ndster).

And here I am, talking about the "misinterpretation of silence and its disastrous consequences".

Which brought pain and suffering and death.

And not just to these two emotional monoliths, but to an entire Galaxy.

It would have been easy. Just a matter of being honest.

To themselves. To each other.

A simple confession, a "yes, I excruciatingly know where you stand right now, and it sucks, so leave this shit, and just be unapologetically happy. It matters way more than the fucking Order."

Ok, FINE.

Obi-Wan wouldn't have sworn that much, but the point remains.

Why not just TALK?

We had each other. That’s how we won.

Poe sat in the dark, beside Leia’s covered body.

“I gotta tell you,” he told her. “I don’t know how to do this. What you did… I’m not ready.”

“Neither were we,” came a voice from the shadows, and Poe turned.

It was Lando Calrissian. []

“Luke. Han. Leia. Me,” Lando said. “Who’s ever ready?” []

“How did you do it?” Poe asked. “How did you defeat an Empire with almost nothing?”

Lando was silent for a long moment. []

“We had each other. That’s how we won. We were friends.”

~

“We have stolen a small Imperial shuttle. Disguised as a cargo ship and using a secret Imperial code, a strike team will land on the moon and deactivate the shield generator.” []

Leia leaned closer to Han and said, “I wonder who they found to pull that off.” []

“General Solo, is your strike team assembled?”

Leia, startled, turned to look at Han. Then her surprise changed to admiration.

“Uh, my team’s ready,” Han said, squirming under the attention that was suddenly given to him. “I don’t have a command crew for the shuttle.”

Beside Han, Chewbacca raised his hairy paw and barked, volunteering. “Well, it’s gonna be rough, pal,” Han said. “I didn’t want to speak for you.” Chewbacca growled cheerfully, conveying to everyone that the choice was his.

Han smiled. “That’s one.”

“Uh, General,” Leia said, “count me in.”

“I’m with you, too!” Luke volunteered as he entered the room from the rear. [] Making his way down to the ampitheater’s floor, Luke arrived before Leia, who embraced him warmly. Then, sensing a change in him, she pulled away and looked into his eyes. “What is it?” she asked.

Luke thought, *I still can’t believe she’s my sister*. But he couldn’t tell her now. He hesitated, then said, “Ask me again sometime.”

Han, Chewbacca, and Lando crowded around Luke as the assembly broke up.

“Luke,” Han said, extending his hand. Luke took it. “Hi, Han… Chewie.” It feels so good to be among friends again.

R2-D2 beeped a singsong observation to C-3PO. [] “‘Exciting’ is hardly the word I would choose.”

~

[Photo: Leia, Han, and Luke mini Funko Pop.]

Conceit and patience

"You remind me of Edgar Allen Poe's Dupin. I had no idea that such individuals did exist outside of stories.”

Sherlock Holmes rose and lit his pipe. “No doubt you think that you are complimenting me in comparing me to Dupin,” he observed. “Now, in my opinion, Dupin was a very inferior fellow. That trick of his of breaking in on his friends' thoughts with an apropos remark after a quarter of an hour's silence is really very showy and superficial.” []

“Does Lecoq come up to your idea of a detective?”

Sherlock Holmes sniffed sardonically. “Lecoq was a miserable bungler,” he said, in an angry voice; “[] That book made me positively ill. The question was how to identify an unknown prisoner. I could have done it in twenty-four hours. Lecoq took six months or so. It might be made a text-book for detectives to teach them what to avoid.”

I felt rather indignant at having two characters whom I had admired treated in this cavalier style. [] “This fellow may be very clever,” I said to myself, “but he is certainly very conceited.”

~

“You know a conjuror gets no credit when once he has explained his trick, and if I show you too much of my method of working, you will come to the conclusion that I am a very ordinary individual after all.”

“I shall never do that,” I answered; “you have brought detection as near an exact science as it ever will be brought in this world.”

My companion flushed up with pleasure at my words, and the earnest way in which I uttered them. I had already observed that he was as sensitive to flattery on the score of his art as any girl could be of her beauty.

~

One of the most striking differences between Thrawn and Sherlock is the absolute naivete and patience of the first versus the arrogance and conceit of the second. Sherlock hates explaining himself to others, fundamentally unworthy of his genius. On the contrary, Thrawn teaches and mentors, never dismissing the potential around him. He does not live for the applauding crowd.

It is telling that, although said directly to Watson just in "The Crooked Man", "elementary!" is the undoubted expression associated with Holmes, while for Thrawn is "perhaps".

[Photo: in love of @lilac_vode art]

Who is worth saving

I’m not a kid. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. It’s not the Jedi way. Maybe Yoda was right; I was too old to train. I can’t be like them, all serene and unfeeling.

He was the Chosen One, they told him. He was supposed to bring balance to the Force. Anakin thought that some little extra support might go with being the Chosen One, a helping hand or at least some understanding from the Jedi Council, but instead he was passed around like an unwelcome burden. [] His chosen status meant less than nothing; it felt more like a stigma. And they wondered why he was difficult at times. Maybe they didn’t want balance, whatever that was. Maybe nobody liked a Jedi who was that different. He felt like an embarrassment to them.

I do everything you ask of me. I try so hard. When is it going to be enough? When are you going to say, “Okay, Anakin Skywalker, you’re good enough”?

The hatch swung open. “What’s wrong, Skyguy? [] Worried about helping Jabba?” []

He tried not to think about it, but the thought was like a corris weevil, eating away at his resolve.

The Jedi had never tried to rescue his mother or buy her out of slavery. [] Not even Qui-Gon Jinn had cast a backward glance at Shmi Skywalker. As the months and years wore on, the question would not leave Anakin alone. He didn’t want to let resentment eat away at his fond memories of his old Master, but he couldn’t stop it sometimes.

Why wasn’t my mother worth saving?

Jabba grew fat on the misery of beings like Anakin’s mother. []

And still I have to save his son. Because we need his goodwill. His space lanes.

The idea stuck in Anakin’s throat like a splintered nuna bone. The pain was palpable. []

Could she see? Could she see he’d slaughtered those Tusken Raiders? Was it etched in the Force around him? Did she know he’d committed an atrocity to avenge the death of his mother?

If she did, she wasn’t sensing his guilt.

He didn’t feel guilt about it at all.

“Let’s go,” he said.

~

Stars, this man is INTENSE.

[Photo: beautiful keychain charm by @indyren_pins.

Excerpt from "The Clone Wars" by Karen Traviss]

Royal Imperial

And just like that, Eli's life had been completely upended.

His career trajectory with the navy, so carefully calculated and implemented, was gone. Worse, just because he'd been solidly on track to graduate from Myomar didn't mean he would make it in the much tougher environment of Royal Imperial. Even with only three months to go, he could still wash out.

Especially since his time would now be split between his studies and playing word games with Thrawn. An alien who was even more of a fish ashore than Eli himself.

An alien who could not possibly succeed.

Eli knew what Imperial Academies were like. He'd heard all the running jokes about Falleen, Umbarans, Neimoidians, and other aliens. And Royal Imperial, smack at the center of the Empire, would almost certainly be the worst of the lot. Thrawn had as much chance of surviving here as a wounded bird in a nest of blood spites.

When he went down, would Eli go down with him?

He had no idea. But he guessed he probably would.

"You seem thoughtful," Thrawn said.

Eli made a face. The Chiss had no idea what he'd let himself in for. "Just wondering how we're going to do here."

~

Royal Imperial is a tough place.

Mentally, physically, emotionally.

The students there may be mean and biased, rude and racist.

But, in a way, this is people.

Not the place.

I was always fascinated by Universities.

[This is probably why I work in one].

Bubbles dedicated to knowledge and discovery.

Or, well, this is how —romantically— I think about them.

[Yes, the reality is a tiny splash more brutal and disappointing].

But, in a way, I still believe that is what I do for a living.

Studying.

Learning.

Teaching.

So, despite I truly do not like the Empire, I do believe that Royal Imperial is a great institution, probably with a history way older than Palpatine and his reign of terror.

And I would love to be part of it.

Because, sometimes, for changing mean and biased, rude, and racist behaviors you need to start from the inside.

[Photo: the greatest shout out for @outerspaceoutpost for accepting to create for me this aurebesh version of her Royal Imperial set. Thank you so so much!!]

The morocco case

Sherlock Holmes took his bottle from the corner of the mantelpiece and his hypodermic syringe from its neat morocco case. With his long, white, nervous fingers he adjusted the delicate needle, and rolled back his left shirt-cuff. For some little time his eyes rested thoughtfully upon the sinewy forearm and wrist all dotted and scarred with innumerable puncture-marks. Finally he thrust the sharp point home, pressed down the tiny piston, and sank back into the velvet-lined arm-chair with a long sigh of satisfaction.

Three times a day for many months I had witnessed this performance, but custom had not reconciled my mind to it. []

“Which is it to-day?” I asked,—“morphine or cocaine?”

He raised his eyes languidly from the old black-letter volume which he had opened. “It is cocaine,” he said,—“a seven-per-cent solution.” []

He put his fingertips together and leaned his elbows on the arms of his chair, like one who has a relish for conversation.

“My mind,” he said, “rebels at stagnation. Give me problems, give me work, give me the most abstruse cryptogram or the most intricate analysis, and I am in my own proper atmosphere. I can dispense then with artificial stimulants. But I abhor the dull routine of existence. I crave for mental exaltation."

~

Thanks, Mr. Zahn, for keeping the iconic posture and the long nervous fingers, but dismissing the abhorred addictions.

Thrawn is high on gallery visits, tactical studies, physical and mental training.

High on winning a point, sometimes.

Irritating the Syndicure, always.

And if it is true that he poshly arrives late to the promotion reception of his best friend, and —OK— I wouldn't define him as a party animal, it is also undeniable that he loves to have a drink or a chat or a friendly spar with the people he feels comfortable with.

Still, feeling challenged. Persistently intrigued.

His mind is constantly spinning and processing reality, without being bored by it.

I noted already that my unconditionally favorite Thrawn's quote is "curiosity is a choice".

An admonition for Sherlock and his lack of maturity and real discipline, concealed behind his egomaniac self-promotion.

[Pin: @ritarussiandoll_pins, Art: @nekostarberry]

You show, I learn.

Skyguy. I bet she thinks that’s cute. []

Ahsoka really annoyed him. [] She talked too much. And she was far too cocky, in that naive, chirpy, why-can’t-we-fix-it way, as if he and the clone troopers had never been in combat before. When it came to battle— well, he’d still take lessons from them, thanks. And she could do the same.

The Jedi Council didn’t want me, either.

Anakin recalled standing there in that grand, polished Jedi Council Chamber, surrounded by what felt like fear, and disdain, and bewilderment— who were those Masters to feel bewildered, when he was the one uprooted from everything he knew and told he had a destiny?— and feeling that the only person there who cared if he lived or died was Master Qui-Gon Jinn. And they stopped him training the Chosen One.

Qui-Gon hadn’t cared what the Jedi Council said. He’d trained him anyway, a Padawan in all but name.

Why am I thinking of all this now? Haven’t I put it behind me? Haven’t I had enough bad memories since then to take their place? [] Maybe she’s like me. Maybe nobody else wanted to train her, either.

~

Yoda fixed him with a critical stare. “Trouble you have with your new Padawan, I hear. [] If not ready for the responsibility of a Padawan you are, then perhaps to Obi-Wan she should go…”

Anakin didn’t take kindly to those kinds of psychological games, not even from Master Yoda— especially from him.

Remember me, Master? The Chosen One? The one you didn’t want to train?

“There are no problems, Master,” he said calmly. “Who could possibly make such a far-reaching judgment about a youngling’s future in such a short time, anyway? That would be rash. Unfair, even. It’s our duty to nurture talent and support it.”

~

“If we survive this, Snips, you and I are going to have a nice long talk.”

“Snips?” she said indignantly.

“That’s what you get for being snippy. Got it?”

“Got it, Master. Let’s go. [] So what’s the plan?” Ahsoka asked. []

“I thought you were the one with the plan…”

“No, I’m the one with enthusiasm. You’re the one with experience. You show, I learn.”

~

[Photo: beautiful pin by @thescevolitanostore. In the background, Fulcrum bandana by @evergoodmerch]