When you try to fix your soul

“What is it with you and Hutts?”

“I spent too much time with them to ever like them. And that’s all you need to know.”

Anakin regretted it as soon as he said it. He’d made it sound more as if he had some wild, dark past, and nothing was better guaranteed to keep Ahsoka asking questions than that. If he explained he’d been a Hutt’s slave, she’d dig away at it until all the bad stuff came out.

It was hard enough telling Padmé, and she was his wife.

Wife.

It was such a serious and wonderful word.

It shouldn’t have been a guilty secret. Anakin wondered what would happen if he told Yoda straight out that he had a wife, that he didn’t agree with all the arbitrary Jedi rules on avoiding love and attachment, and ask him—respectfully—what he was going to do about it.

He’d have to tell Kenobi first, though. And that was going to be much harder, because he heard that Kenobi had faced the same choice as Anakin, but had walked away from the love of his life, and done things strictly by the Jedi book.

How can that be right? How can that make us better Jedi?

No. Anakin would say nothing.

He weighed the corrosive effect of keeping secrets from his old Master against the storm that would be unleashed if he confessed to his marriage.

I have a war to fight. And Padmé is nobody’s business but mine.

~

This quote is a gem.

So much Anakin in it, so many words left unsaid.

Creeps leading to the collapse.

But why, you may ask, pairing it with Anakin's lightsaber?

For people who use to fix things, not having everything under control is hard.

Build, break, repair. And start again.

All predictable, known.

But attachments, emotions, relationships.

People.

They are beyond oneself ability to affect them.

Change them.

And this is destabilizing.

And terrifying.

~

“Life seems so much simpler when you’re fixing things. I’m good at fixing things. I always was.”

~

[Photo: I love this saber pin series, by @projectlunarock]