The edge

Anakin [] plunged into the droid ranks with his lightsaber. []

There was nothing in his mind beyond his troops and that only he could save them.

Save; he did so much saving now but it would never be enough to make him whole.

He felt his lightsaber blade slice through metal—there was always a slight kick on contact, like a drill hitting a hard spot—but he craved more. He craved destruction, not to prove to himself that he had such huge power, but simply to hold the chaos at bay.

*I didn’t save my mother.*

He had the strength and skill to wipe out legions of droids, but he hadn’t used it for the person who mattered most.

Anakin tore into droid after droid, killing on upstroke and downstroke, spinning to take out droids rushing him from behind, rolling to scythe his way through their legs. Hot hydraulic fluid spattered on his face like blood.

*Why didn’t I go back for my mother, when I could have done this, and this, and this?*

As the surge of Force power almost squeezed the air from his lungs in his all-out effort to crush the next rank of droids, he felt suddenly light-headed, and in that second’s pause he became aware of troopers fighting furiously to his right—smashing metal skulls with butts of rifles, ramming vibroblades into weak points—but he couldn’t see Ahsoka. []

He was never going to lose someone he cared about again. []

*You can’t think those things. You’re a Jedi.*

*But I can. And I do.*

[From "The Clone Wars" by Karen Traviss]

~

I am always amazed by how the novelization of the 2008 animated movie always hits the right spots.

Anakin is so human there.

Strong and, yet, fragile.

Always at the edge.

Ready to break.

But war is relentless.

And fighting is instinctual.

No time to think?

To regret?

And, still, suddenly.

Those excruciating moments, alone in his own head.

Lost in recurring gotos and what-ifs.

[Photo: utterly stunning pin by @ritarussiandoll_pins. Art by osiripengin]